Learning to Let Go

Today I woke up with an unfamiliar agitation and discontent. I couldn't figure out why I had such a frustrated attitude when I had only been awake for 5 minutes. I went to church feeling somewhat pensive, and maybe even a little confused. I couldn't place the feeling I had or where it was coming from. I half-heartedly sang along to songs I didn't recognize, trying to pronounce words I didn't understand. This only fueled my frustration because singing is one of my absolute favorite ways to worship the Lord and I felt like I couldn't do that, as badly as I wanted to. The message began and I was bombarded by strange words and a lack of comprehension. I've gotten to a point in my Spanish comprehension where I can pick up pretty well on context, and typically understand the majority of a message. I'm not sure if it was a lack of effort on my part this morning, or a particularly difficult message to follow, but nothing seemed to connect. I ended up heading home after the sermon and skipping the discussion groups that followed the message. After pounding out some chords on the piano, I grabbed my guitar and sang as loudly as I could- taking advantage of a rarely empty house. I turned on some Jeremy Camp whose loud instrumentals seemed to match my mood, and began to journal- something not atypical to a heavy heart. I began to pray and think and dig into my heart and my thoughts. As I began to write, I noticed a pattern. I was unhappy with my circumstances. Tired from facing the constant struggle of teaching and trying to motivate seemingly impossible students, missing friends and family get togethers, and wishing I could be sitting under the worship and preaching of my church in Virginia, I selfishly rambled on about all the things I didn't have.
Rewinding to the night before, I went to a young adults Bible study at one of the local churches. We were challenged with Luke 9:57-62 and what it means to be a committed follower of Christ. He gave 6 characteristics of this type of commitment. It is passionate (going wherever, doing whatever God asks), serious (He is going to ask you things you cannot do by relying on your own strength, you will need His help), one of faith (how often do we ask God "Why?" "How long?" or "Who will go with me?" when He calls us to do something), a priority (Now. Not tomorrow, or whenever "this" happens. There's a world dying without Christ), permanent (look ahead, not to the things behind you; don't focus on the past), and purposeful (it's not about the things you can do, but what God can do through you). The men in this passage said, "Jesus! I will follow you anywhere, but first..." God requires everything. That's a hard lesson to simply digest. I realized I am going to have to rid my heart of this selfishness. The idea that if I just had a familiar friend, or my pastor, or a higher competency in Spanish that I could do it, and that I would be happy. Surrender includes sacrifice. These are things I gave up by following God's call on my life. The sooner I let go of my comforts and my "need" for anything/anyone besides Jesus himself, the better. My prayer is that God loosens my grip on the things I want to hold so tightly to for confidence and comfort. I'm realizing more than ever that being a disciple of Christ is not simply to be filled with the Spirit and involved in a handful of ministries, but moreover being willing to give up anything- and everything- if that's what is required. After all, was it not Christ who did exactly that for me first?